Writing that survey entry in this journal a few days ago made me think quite a lot about my life and where it's going.

I know that's quite deep for a Saturday night but forgive me, I've had a couple of glasses of wine.

It's just that I've had rather enough of being a servant to the Bancroft males. Don't get me wrong I love my family. I like helping out and being there for them I do. But this is not what I really want. I never imagined my life would be like this when I was twenty three.

I was going to be novelist, a published poet, an aid worker, an activist, not a logistics administrator working for my Dad in our conservatory.
I was going to have my own house, flat or apartment, or maybe live with exciting and outrageous friends. I'd live in Paris or Florence or London or Sydney, not still live with my Dad and two brothers in the house I've lived in since I was 5 somewhere in Yorkshire.
I'd speak other languages fluently and speak to my friends from all over the world in their native tongues, not forget most of the French I learnt at school and have my Italian fluency wither away from lack of use.
I would travel the world, go to exciting places spontaneously but often. I would have life changing experiences. I would change lives. I wouldn't nip around in my gap year and then only go to Birmingham to see friends or Florence to visit my grandparents after that.

I was going to have a string of tempestuous and passionate love affairs, testing the very limits of my emotional and physical love, I wouldn't just fuck people when I needed to, decide that love doesn't exist and then get my heart broken.

I just feel stuck in the life I'm in. I know I'm being quite selfish about this, but being mother to Corben, Caleb and my fifty eight year old father is not how I want to be spending my early twenties.

I know it's been hard on them all since my mum died. I've sort of taken over some of the more 'motherly' duties I suppose. My Dad is great at somethings, but useless at housework, cooking, knowing what Caleb should and shouldn't be up to, things like that. He's good at paying bills, fixing things, gardening, finding his way to places and maths. So he isn't entirely useless, but unless he actually really tries, he can't run the Bancroft house on his own.

When my mum died, he was going to give up his job, but instead his company let him work from home so he could keep and eye on me and the boys. When I went to uni he reduced his hours to part-time, so that he could be more domestic I suppose. But now I'm living at home again he's back to working full time. I don't begrudge it. He works hard for us, we have a nice house and enough money to eat well because of it.

But I've been running around for them all for 10 years now. I just want some Emmy time.

I really want to move out. I want to travel, I want to see the world, I want to get a job I love, I want to fall in love....

But I really don't think I can leave my family. Corben nearly burnt the house down once when I was at uni and he tried to make dinner. The fire brigade had to come and everything! I know they did survive when I was at uni, but I still came home most weekends. And when I did I couldn't help tidying up and doing some laundry, things like that. Plus Caleb needs me around at the moment. I think he's finding being at college quite tough away from his usual circle of friends, and I need to make sure he sees it through and doesn't drop out like his old school friends are encouraging him to do. If I was to leave now, he'd have no one to help him through it. I know Corben would try, but he's just not very practical, and Dad... I'm not sure my Dad even knows what Cal is doing at college!

I just feel really trapped and restricted here, but at the same time I don't feel I can leave. I have a plan to go and live with my cousin in Australia, or to try to go to Europe and be an Au Pair. Or anything at all! But If I did leave I'd just feel so worried about them.

In other news, I'm on Corben's computer and he has a load of photos on here. Mostly of himself, but theres a couple of me. I might see if I can upload them somewhere. I'm usually not keen on internet people being able to see what I look like, but I'm getting more use to the idea now I suppose. I assume it's because I've seen photos of so many other people. So I will see whar Corben says.

( Another survey! )

I am not in a particularly good mood today. Forgive me Internetters.

I am back online now! I believe the last thing I wrote about was going to the doctor about my wrist. Well I'd just sprained it slightly and it's all better now. So no harm done. Well, no extra harm at least!

Since I've been away from this internet connection I've been staying with my little cousins down in Surrey. I was looking after them while my Aunt (my Dad's sister) and Uncle were away on holiday in the Maldives.

My cousins are 11 and 12 years old and are called Liam and Amy. They are quite precocious. Very intelligent for their age, but rather spoilt. They were looked after by a Nanny until they were both in secondary school, by which point my Aunt and Uncle decided they were old enough to let themselves in and amuse themselves until they got home from work. They went back to school last week so my job was quite easy really. I was paid to sit around reading and drawing all day. They have a fabulously large house. I had more baths than is natural I think because they have one of those gigantic corner baths with jacuzzi jets in. So lovely.

Anyway, all I really had to do was cook them dinner and help with their homework which I actually quite enjoyed. They were even taken to school by another local family so I didn't even need to worry about that as long as I got them up and ready in time! They go to a very expensive private school which, as far as I can gather, is in the middle of a wood. It sounds like an amazing place, even though I'm against private schools in principle, it looked to pretty!

Unfortunately, Amy and Liam don't seem to really know how to have fun. They are very serious for kids their age. I took them ice skating one weekend and they were worried because they hadn't finished their homework yet. They also never really play outside, despite having a huge garden in a very safe neighbourhood. It concerns me that they are missing out on some important parts of their childhood really. I taught them how to make cakes. They said they'd never cooked before, and even their mum doesn't cook, they have a lady who usually does it for them.

I'm not going to judge them, At least I'm trying not to, but I know that's not how I'd like to raise a family to be honest.

Despite my concern that my cousins are having a less then fulfilling childhood, I actually really enjoyed my time there. I'm considering becoming an Au Pair in Europe somewhere now. Very seriously considering it. I didn't really think I liked children before, and, I know all kids aren't going to be like Amy and Sean, but now I come to think of it, I can't think of a child I've met that I actually disliked. So maybe it's worth giving it a try.

I'm going to run the idea by Corben when he gets back. I always talk my wacky ideas through with him, just to check I'm not being unrealistic. It's possibly a bad idea seeing as he has bipolar disorder and sometimes thinks even my stupidest ideas are amazing. But  no he's not that bad really, I jest. Sometime I think he has his head screwed on more than anyone! He's with two friends in Blackpool at the moment. The friends want to set up a business there and, as far as I can tell, Corben is just tagging along. I do miss him.

Since I've been back I've been trying to enroll Cal in college. He didn't bother applying for college at the end of last school year because he didn't think he'd get the GCSE grades. He doesn't want to do A Levels but he doesn't know what else to do. I've convinced him to look into some vocational courses in photography and graphic design, and there's also one in carpentry he looked interested in. I went with him to look around a couple of colleges last week and fill in some forms. We have to wait now to see which courses have places still left on them. I really don't want him to waste himself. A couple of his friends that he was at school with are just on the dole and hang around the local park smoking weed all day. Caleb's better than that. They all are really but I don't feel any responsibility for the rest of them.

I think that's updated everyone on everything I've been up to.

I was going to go down to the Midlands this weekend to hang out with some friends in Birmingham/Worcestershire and go to Drop Beats Not Bombs. But alas, finances have failed me once again.

I wish I had now though.

And now I have run out of things to say. I hope everyone is well.

Emmy
xxx

I am going to the doctor's tomorrow about my wrist. It still feels funny and is a little bit swollen.
I hope it's alright!

Is everyone else ok?

Emmy
xxx

Last night I was talking to _departure_ about travelling and how much I love it. But I do think that no matter how wonderful and breath taking a place is, my favourite places are always going to be ones with strong memories and emotional link attached to them.

I explained that, although I've been to many different countries all over the world, in fact my favourite place, the one that holds the most special place in my heart, is not in Australasia, nor South America, nor even Scandinavia, but is in fact the Isle of Skye.

The reason for this is, firstly, it's a beautiful place. The fist time I ever had my breath taken away by a sunset was on my first trip there. But secondly, and most importantly, a couple of personality-forming experiences happened there and, against a background as beautiful as the Isle of Skye, creates some very fond memories.

My best friend Jake and I went up to stay with his Grandad and Uncle at their place in Skye. We camped in the field outside, simply because we wanted to, I'm sure we could have stayed in the house really. But it was a ridiculously mild summer, the days were long and bright and the nights were balmy and it was perfect for it (apart from the midges!)

It was my first holiday without any parents and just getting there was an adventure in itself. It made me feel very grown up. Jake hadn't been there without his parents before either so we were both very pleased with our thirteen year old selves.

The first bit of cheesy nostalgia related to that holiday, is that I had my first kiss on my trip to Skye. It was with a local lad called Eric. He lived next to Jake's family and befriended us as soon as we arrived near enough. I think he already vaguely knew Jake. I wasn't expecting it really. It was the penultimate night of our trip and he'd been friendly to me the whole time we were there, but I was too naive to think it was anything more than that. That night he kept holding my hand under the rug when we were playing cards. Jake went to bed earlier than me, so Eric and I went for a walk to look for shooting stars (we didn't see any). I sat on a fence and he stood next to me,  as I was looking up at the sky he kissed me! I was so surprised I nearly fell backwards off the fence, which was quite embarassing, but thankfully he caught me. And then we kissed again, but properly this time. It was quite awkward, I'm not sure either of us knew what we were doing and he seemed very red afterwards.

When I got back to the tent Jake asked me if everything was ok and told me I was acting suspicious because I was smiling to myself. And I just laughed and he immediately figured it out. I don't know if he said anything to Eric about it at all but he seemed quite embarassed when he said goodbye to us the next day. I've seen him once since, he had a girlfriend then, but he gave me a knowing grin and nod. I think I could have done a lot worse.

The second slice of nostalgic cheese is to do with Jake. He's been my best friend since we were three, and we were at the stage where we'd gone up to secondary school as best friends, but had started to branch off and hang out in separate friendship groups.

Jake has always been one of the 'cool' kids. He's always fitted in so well with the 'in' crowd. I on the other hand...haven't. When we were in year 8 it had got to the stage where some of Jakes friends would make fun of him for hanging out with me all the time. They knew me as 'the dorky girl who hangs out with Jake' or 'Jake's hippy.' They were the kind of people who would make fun out of me because I was a vegetarian. Unnecessary really.

One night Jake and I were sitting down by the water and throwing stones and chatting about school and people in our classes. I tried subtly to let Jake know that I didn't really like his friends and I was worried we'd drift apart at some point before we left school. I didn't say it so bluntly of course, but Jake must have picked up on my clues. He came and sat next to me and gave me a hug. And he said that he didn't really care what the other people at school thought, and that he liked hanging out with them, but that I would always be his best friend, no matter what they said.

That meant a lot to me, especially coming from Jake. He isn't really one to wear his heart on his sleeve so it's a stand out memory for me. It was then it actually dawned on me how special and unusual my friendship with Jake really is. We are still best friends to this day, and I think we always will be. He always stuck up for me at school after that too.

I think when i go over to his house tomorrow I'm going to bring this up in conversation. Maybe it will embarrass him!

I hope you all liked my cheese fest!

Emmy
xxx

At the beginning of the year I fractured my wrist very badly and it was in a cast for ages. It was slammed in a car boot and was the single most painful experience of my life so far. I could feel my bones crunching...

Today I slipped over in the kitchen. Our kitchen has a tiled floor and hasn't quite recovered from being flooded a couple of weeks ago. The rain today seemed to top that up and seeped under the back door, making a nasty wet patch that I didn't notice until I slipped on it. I put my arms out to help to break my fall and ended up somehow just hurting my wrist.

Now it hurts all the time. Not the sort of pain that I can deal with, I'm usually quite good with pain but this is a dull ache in the background and it's hard to clench your teeth and keep that sort of pain under control.

I sincerely hope that I haven't damaged it again. If it still hurts as much tomorrow I might have to go to the doctors about it. I'm far too clumsy!

Hope everyone else is ok.

Emmy
x

It's amazing how much better everything feels when the sun is shining.

xxx

Why is it so difficult to say sorry to someone when you actually mean it?
I want to say sorry to someone that I know I've hurt. But I don't know how to do it without making it sound forced or contrived.
I want this person to know that I mean it. To feel how sorry I am.
We all act stupidly sometimes. Our emotions can always get the better of us. Especially me. I've never been on to be able to hold things in!
I suppose I just need to think of the right words, and hope that I can be forgiven.

Hope you're all well,
Emmy
x